I'm about to start talking about  a product to use if you want a smooth twat. I don't know if this constitutes adult content or not.


And lastly--Riddle me this, Batman, how come so many synonyms for the abyss have to do with smell? And not just smell, but rank smell? I don't know about you, but I wouldn't want my goldmine referred to as something that stinks. Just a thought, as none of the euphemisms for the male genetalia have this problem.

Why I shouldn't be allowed to shop

Now, you might find yourself asking "what was I thinking"? A great question. I'm wondering myself. Anyway, it was about time for me to shave "down there" and, well, frankly, I detest shaving "down there". I mean, don't get me wrong, I do it. Mainly because I'm not a bush woman (no pun intended, nor offense to bush women of the world) and I don't like all the excess, it's a little gross if you ask me. Actually, I usually go for the whole shebang and just get rid of everything. It's easier, it's cleaner, and I get to pretend I'm... well, never mind what I pretend. You don't need to know.

So, I pick up the box. I read it over. I think to myself, "why not? You've got the cash and you spend all your money last paycheck on bills. Which are no fun. You deserve to have fun of the hot wax and fabric strips applied to your nether regions variety. You deserve it."

Now, not everybody knows this, but I'm going to share with you, gentle reader, the fact that I have had experience with the Sally Hansen company before. Then it was this stuff:

Hair Remover
Wax Strip Kit
For Body, Legs, Arms & Bikini

1-2-3 Hair Free!

Special Ingredients: European Salon Formula with Soothing Bisabolol. Azulene Finishing Oil with Vitamin E, Sesame and Menthol soothes and cares for skin and helps remove excess wax residue.

THAT stuff is some painful, painful, evil shit. It's of the Satan. Seriously. It's 30 pre-waxed, thin pieces of plastic. Basically it's putting duct tape on your body and ripping it away. In the opposite direction of the hair growth, of course.

Well, I thought to myself, there are different kinds of waxing and maybe the pre-waxed mess hurt because it was duct tape. The stuff I'm about to buy isn't duct tape. It's lavender infused.

So I spent the $9.99

And let me tell you, children... it did in fact smell of lavender.

So anyway, there I was, naked from the waist down. I'd cleaned the area. I'd trimmed so that the hair was no longer than 1/2 inch. I'd heated the wax to the specifications because EVEN THE DIRECTIONS POINTED OUT that wax will hurt. So I figured I should do everything right the first time.

I applied the first no-larger-than-2-inches portion of wax. I placed the strip. I ripped.

Honestly, not so bad.

I can handle this.

I feel the need to point out The Ramone's Blitzkrieg Bop was playing in the background.

I went through the next eight strips or so.

Then came the trouble. I was starting to get a little tired because of all the bracing and the ripping. And, apparently, the wax was getting cool.

Strip #10 went on okay. I pulled the skin taunt. I grasped the bottom of the strip and braced to pull it off quickly. I ripped. And the strip only came halfway off. HALFWAY!

There was pain.

There were curses.

There was a lot of liberal hopping around.

The last half of the accursed strip came away very slowly, and I'm here to tell you, very painfully.

Have you ever tried to get wax off your body when it doesn't want to come off? You can't. It's wax. It's there to stay. And if it's the Sally Hansen Lavender Spa Body Wax Hair Removal Kit it's a nice purple color.

Well, more lilac really.

I decided that maybe the wax had gone cold. I reheated it. I did another strip. Same agonizing results as the first time. Apparently when wax adheres to your body it's there to stay. At this point my skin is a mottled red and my woo-woo is giving me a death glare.

Well, I'm assuming. My woo-woo and I only rarely converse. Usually after a break-up. Or during a Viggo Mortensen movie. She's weak, you know.

At this point, I figured I should maybe try hot water. It definitely made the wax softer. Thus more tacky. My thigh skin started sticking to other parts of my body.

I tried hotter water and massaging it off with a washcloth. I mean, when candle wax drips on the floor they tell you to throw a wet washcloth over it and then hold your iron over that on the steam setting. And while I wasn't to the point that I was willing to break out the iron (I think I would have put it on the "silk" setting), I figured the principle would still work.

No dice. I decided to take a break and walk from the bathroom to the fridge because at this point I deserve a shot of the Pomegranate Schnapps that await me in the freezer for just such occasions.

My cat already thinks I'm crazy-prone to walking around the apartment with my bottom half hanging out.

Now my neighbors do too.

The purple sticky stuff on my...area... is a new development for both of them of course.

Back to the bathroom because I can't exactly spend the rest of my life with lavender scented goo attached to my woo-woo. I mean, after a while it wouldn't smell of lavender any more, you know? Also, I can't promise it would always be purple, either.

While freaking out, I happen to glimpse the tiny bottle of blue liquid that came with the kit called "after wax". Apparently it's to Clean, moisturize, and afewotherthingsIdon'tcareabout. I zeroed in on the CLEAN part.

Yeah. It worked. I felt pretty stupid.

I had to shave the rest of me because I sure as mess wasn't going to go to a waxing parlor with a nice bald patch. I just have this god-awful image of the lady doing the waxing going to the back and telling all her friends about the crazy lady. It's. Upsetting.

Both kits are okay, I guess, if you're cool with this particular form of hair removal. If you're not... well, it's best to be avoided. First of all, it's freaking awkward trying to contort yourself into positions to yank the wax strips unless you are, in fact, a contortionist. Second, it's tiring, repetitive motion. So if you're an out of shape girl like me, it's a bit harder than you would think. Thirdly, well, I actually don't have a thirdly. Suffice to say it's not something I'll be visiting again. But you're more than welcome.

The moral to the story: It's been my experience that at home waxing kits are more trouble than their worth. Spend the money at the salon if you've gotta.

Also: That is some painful, painful shit.

Finally: This is what I get for buying the $9.99 kit instead of a ticket to Eastern Promises.